Some wisdom from Wisdom

Catholic scripture contains several books referred to as the Apocrypha by those denominations which don't accept these books as being canonical. To miss reading some of that literature, however, is to miss some very beautiful verses indeed. The first reading from today's liturgy, taken from the book of Wisdom, is one example. Read and enjoy!

Before the LORD the whole universe is as a grain from a balance
or a drop of morning dew come down upon the earth.
But you have mercy on all, because you can do all things;
and you overlook people's sins that they may repent.

For you love all things that are
and loathe nothing that you have made;
for what you hated, you would not have fashioned.
And how could a thing remain, unless you willed it;
or be preserved, had it not been called forth by you?

But you spare all things, because they are yours,
O LORD and lover of souls,
for your imperishable spirit is in all things!
Therefore you rebuke offenders little by little,
warn them and remind them of the sins they are committing,
that they may abandon their wickedness and believe in you, O LORD!

Wisdom 11:22 - 12:2

Halloween Holiday Fun for Felines?

This trick is better than a treat!

Yet another goofy story from today's news.

 OK. I admit it. I can be dense.

But I think this tops all (for this week, anyway).

According to this New York Times story, a judge in New York has ruled that two children can be sued for negligence for running down an elderly woman two years ago while racing their bikes. The bikes were equipped with training wheels, the children were four years old at the time of the incident, and the children were both being supervised by their mothers when the incident occured.

Now I acknowledge that this was a terrible accident. The 87-year-old woman who was struck by the bike sustained a fractured hip. Surgery was required, and three weeks after the incident, the woman died. This is a terrible, terrible shame, and it never should have happened.

But is it reasonable to sue a child who was four years old when this happened?

Justice Paul Wooten of the State Supreme Court in Manhattan says it is. According to Wooten, “A parent’s presence alone does not give a reasonable child carte blanche to engage in risky behavior such as running across a street.” He added that any “reasonably prudent child” should know that it’s dangerous to dash across the street… with or without a parent’s supervision.

Really? I’ll wager there are a LOT of four-year-olds who aren’t “reasonably prudent” by that definition.

To be honest with you, I can understand allowing the mothers to be sued. They knew their children weren’t expert at riding bicycles… even IF equipped with training wheels… So assuming that the family of the injured woman incurred expenses as a result of the accident, I wouldn’t argue if someone says that it is reasonable to allow them to recover those expenses. And although Wooten did allow the parents to be sued along with the children, he seemed to be unwilling to allow the moms to bear much responsibility. He said there was no evidence to suggest that mom “had any active role in the alleged incident, only that the mother was ‘supervising,’ a term that is too vague to hold meaning here”.

I wonder how much money the family can expect to recover from these (now) six-year-old children? I wonder if the judge will order their weekly allowance to be garnished?

Sheesh.

By the way… perversely, I find it comforting to realize that such silliness isn’t limited to the USA. According to this Yahoo news article, a court in Sao Paulo, Brazil has ruled “that McDonalds must pay a former franchise manager $17,500 because he gained 65 pounds (30 kilograms) while working there for a dozen years”. (That’s about $270 per pound, if you’re interested…)

I’ve put on some weight while working as a nurse in a hospital setting. I wonder if I can sue, too?

An admission of weakness, a demonstration of strength

Earlier this week, Priest’s Secretary.posted about a Massachussetts priest whose weekly letter to his parish was a bit unusual. He wrote:

…For my own health and to answer God’s call to the holiness of the priesthood with which I am blessed, I have asked for help.

This Monday, 25 October, I will travel to the Guest House at Rochester in Minnesota. It is a Catholic clergy treatment center for addictions. Step one is a full evaluation by medical personnel. This takes approximately three weeks. At the end of that process I will either then return to Saint Lucy’s and PMA (Presentation of Mary Academy) involved in a local outpatient program or remain in Minnesota for an inpatient program a for a yet to be determined length of time. In any case I pledge to do everything in my power to return to our parish and my school ministry.

It is truly a most humbling moment. I pledge to come back and hit the deck plates running (Navy talk)... Please support those who will hold down the fort in my absence. Please pray for me as I pray for you.

Now there may be some who are scandalized by Father Burton’s admission. But I find it refreshing that he would openly acknowledge that he has a problem and is seeking help. Can you imagine how much better this world would be if each of us had the courage to acknowledge our weaknesses and ask for help, rather than putting up a false front of perfection?

Please join with me in praying for Father Burton and for all those who, like me, have weaknesses and failings and imperfections in need of God’s healing touch.

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Visit Conversion Diary each Friday for 7 Quick Takes.

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Watch, listen, and worship

O loving God

In you, O loving God, have I hoped: let me never be confounded.
I know too well that I am weak and changeable.
I know the power of temptation against the strongest virtue.

I have seen stars fall and foundations of my world crack;
these things do not alarm me.
While I hope in you, I am sheltered from all misfortune,
and I am sure that my trust shall endure,
for I rely upon you to sustain this unfailing hope.

Finally, I know that my confidence cannot exceed your generosity,
and that I shall never receive less than I have hoped for from you.
Therefore I hope that you will sustain me against my evil inclinations,
that you will protect me against the deceitful attacks of the evil one,
and that you will cause my weakness to triumph over every hostile force.

I hope that you will never cease to love me and that I shall love you unceasingly. Amen.

- Claude de la Colombière

Our words may reveal more than we realize.

Your language should be restrained, frank, sincere, candid, unaffected, and honest. Be on guard against equivocation, ambiguity, or dissimulation. While it is not always advisable to say everything that is true, it is never permissible to speak against the truth. Therefore, you must become accustomed never to tell a deliberate lie whether to excuse yourself or some other purposes, remembering that God is the ‘God of truth.’ If you happen to tell a lie inadvertently, correct it immediately by an explanation or by making amends. An honest explanation always has more grace and force to excuse us than a lie has…Lying, double-dealing and dissimulation are always signs of a weak, mean mind.

- St. Francis de Sales, Introduction to the Devout Life

How can we tell if our minds are in conformity with the mind of God? How can we tell if we live by the law of the Lord? Look – or rather, listen – no further than the words that we use when we speak to – and about - one another. - Michael S. Murray, OSFS

Children of light

The epistle for today's lectionary reading comes from Ephesians, and as I read it today, I was especially struck by three small words: children of light.

 

If we are following the blueprint for living which is outlined in the verses preceding that phrase, we will be children of light. There will be no room for guile or shame or secrecy. Everything we say or do can be exposed to the light, and people who look at us will see just a little bit of God.

Brothers and sisters:
Be kind to one another, compassionate,
forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ.

Be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love,
as Christ loved us and handed himself over for us
as a sacrificial offering to God for a fragrant aroma.
Immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be mentioned among you, as is fitting among holy ones,
no obscenity or silly or suggestive talk, which is out of place,
but instead, thanksgiving...

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord.
Live as children of light.

- Ephesians 4:32 - 5:4,8

An answer to those who "don't need church"

It is possible to worship God while driving along the highway or sitting in a baseball park. But if we raise the question of statistical probability, the worship of God is scarcely as frequent in those places as in houses built in his honor. There is the story of the father who said, "Come on, we can sing hymns on the beach," to which the little girl replied, "But we won't, will we?"

- George Hedley

A prayer to start the week

I believe, Lord, but let me believe more firmly.

I hope, Lord, but let me hope more surely.

I love, Lord, but let me love more warmly.

I repent, Lord, but let me repent more deeply.

Lord, give me humility, meekness, chastity, patience and charity.

Teach me goodness, knowledge and discipline.

Give me your love together with your grace and I will be rich enough.

My God, my Jesus, my all in all.

- St. Anthony Mary Claret

How we came to be... an animation

H/T to Marion for finding this!

And a question for those who defend the "right to choose" - at what point in this video did you decide life began? And do you sometimes wonder... way in the back of your mind... if you're a bit presumptuous to think you've got the answer to that question?

Marriage? Really?

According to this news report, a 30-year-old Taiwanese woman named Chen Wei-yih has planned the perfect wedding. She's got a lovely dress (as you can see from her Facebook photo below). She's invited 30 or so friends to share in the celebration. The banquet hall has been rented. She has her honeymoon all planned - a trip to Australia. And the wedding itself isn't extravagant, at least by today's standards... It's only going to cost $5675.00. According to this site, "On average, US couples spend $19,581 for their wedding. However, the majority of couples spend between $14,686 and $24,476. This does not include cost for a honeymoon or engagement ring."

That's a bunch of money any way you slice it.

So Chen Wei-yih's wedding won't be extravagant, but it will be different from any I've attended before. I suppose we're getting used to the idea of non-traditional "marriages". But this one is even more "non-traditional" than most. You see, Chen Wei-yih's wedding lacks one of the key elements of a traditional marriage ceremony:

A groom.

You see, Chen has decided to marry herself.

It's not unreasonable to wonder why she made this decision. It turns out that Chen has been unimpressed with the men she's met, so... in the words of the bride-to-be, "Age thirty is a prime period for me. My work and experience are in good shape, but I haven't found a partner, so what can I do?" Chen goes on to say, "It's not that I'm anti-marriage. I just hope that I can express a different idea within the bounds of a tradition."

Which raises the question, what precisely IS marriage?


Does it make me intolerant to assert that marriage is a life-long union between one man and one woman? And am I hopelessly outdated because I find the idea of marrying oneself to be ludicrous at best? Am I utterly off-base to say that Chen's "marriage" falls far outside "the bounds of a tradition"?

Are we still friends?

I saw something that really struck home with me the other day. It's a note from a child to a mom. As I read it, I concluded that probably the child had done something wrong and felt contrite about it. And along with contrition, came concern... concern that, because of the offense, the child would no longer be loved.

Here's the note:

Sometimes it's like that when we do something that we know is contrary to God's plan.

Dear God

This is for you.

I love you.

P.S. are we still friends?

And the amazing thing is His answer: a resounding Yes.

Most of us have times of doubt, times when we wonder if our sin is larger than God's capacity to forgive. And the good news is that God's love for us is boundless, and

WE
ARE
STILL
FRIENDS.

Jesus told us that quite plainly in John 15:

No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. 

Wow.

So today, let us set aside any concern that God's love is so narrow as to close us out from His friendship. We're still friends... so let us go and bear fruit.

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Visit Conversion Diary each Friday for 7 Quick Takes.

Those "ugly shirts"

"God cannot inspire unrealizable desires."

Today I wanted to share a quote from Therese of Lisieux, affectionately known as "the Little Flower". She led a cloistered existence (literally) and died at a young age, but she continues to inspire many with her "little way" to holiness.

Alas! I have always noticed that when I compared myself to the saints, there is between them and me the same difference that exists between a mountain whose summit is lost in the clouds and the obscure grain of sand trampled underfoot by passers-by. Instead of becoming discouraged, I said to myself: God cannot inspire unrealizable desires. I can, then, in spite of my littleness, aspire to holiness. It is impossible for me to grow up, and so I must bear with myself such as I am with all my imperfections. But I want to seek out a means of going to heaven by a little way, a way that is very straight, very short, and totally new.

She didn't try to imitate other saints; after all, the only person who was able to achieve a perfect imitation of Francis of Assisi was... you guessed it... Francis of Assisi.

Instead, she tried to be the best possible Therese, to do even little tasks with love. Each person she met - even those whom she found to be unpleasant - she greeted, and treated, with love. This was her "very straight, very short, and totally new" path to heaven.

This "little chick" could use your help.

I'm a great fan of Francis de Sales, who took time from his duties as priest, bishop, and evangelist to write prolifically. Two of his books - Introduction to the Devout Life and Treatise on the Love of God - are recognized as spiritual classics. He also wrote many letters of spiritual direction. Here is an excerpt from one of his letters:

I have one thing to tell you, so remember it well: we are sometimes so busy being good angels that we neglect to be good men and women. Our imperfections are going to accompany us to the grave, We can’t go anywhere without having our feet on the ground, yet we don’t simply lie there, sprawled in the dust. On the other hand, we mustn’t think we can fly, for we are like little chicks who don’t yet have wings. We die little by little; so our imperfections must die with us, a little each day. Dear imperfections, they force us to acknowledge our misery, give us practice in humility, selflessness, patience and watchfulness; yet, notwithstanding, God looks at the preparation of our heart and sees that it is perfect.

I certainly can relate to what de Sales has to say there... all the way up to the last clause: "yet, notwithstanding, God looks at the preparation of our heart and sees that it is perfect".

My own heart is far from perfect... miles away from perfect... And I'd love to know what you make of that phrase. Please share your thoughts.

A changed life

Saint Augustine of Hippo is considered by many to be the father of Western Christianity, although he lived in Africa, born some three centuries after the birth of Christ. But he wasn't raised as a Christian. Here he describes his conversion, which occurred after a time of spiritual turmoil in Augustine's life:

I cast myself down I know not how, under a certain fig-tree, giving full vent to my tears; and the floods of mine eyes gushed out an acceptable sacrifice to Thee. And, not indeed in these words, yet to this purpose, spake I much unto Thee: and Thou, O Lord, how long? how long, Lord, wilt Thou be angry for ever? Remember not our former iniquities, for I felt that I was held by them. I sent up these sorrowful words: How long, how long, "to-morrow, and tomorrow?" Why not now? why not is there this hour an end to my uncleanness?

So was I speaking and weeping in the most bitter contrition of my heart, when, lo! I heard from a neighbouring house a voice, as of boy or girl, I know not, chanting, and oft repeating, "Take up and read; Take up and read. " Instantly, my countenance altered, I began to think most intently whether children were wont in any kind of play to sing such words: nor could I remember ever to have heard the like. So checking the torrent of my tears, I arose; interpreting it to be no other than a command from God to open the book, and read the first chapter I should find. For I had heard of Antony, that coming in during the reading of the Gospel, he received the admonition, as if what was being read was spoken to him: Go, sell all that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven, and come and follow me: and by such oracle he was forthwith converted unto Thee. Eagerly then I returned to the place where Alypius was sitting; for there had I laid the volume of the Apostle when I arose thence. I seized, opened, and in silence read that section on which my eyes first fell: Not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying; but put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, in concupiscence. No further would I read; nor needed I: for instantly at the end of this sentence, by a light as it were of serenity infused into my heart, all the darkness of doubt vanished away.

After his conversion, he wrote this beautiful prayer:

Here is my heart, O God,
here it is with all its secrets.
Look into my thoughts, O my hope,
and take away all my wrong feelings.
Let my eyes be ever on you
and release my feet from the snare.
I ask you to live with me,
to reign in me, to make this heart
of mine a holy temple,
a fit dwelling for your divine majesty. Amen.

- St. Augustine of Hippo

Cold is a relative term

This week’s theme:

No More Grouchy Old Farts!!

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Use the handy chart below to determine just how cold it really is.

65˚ F         Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
60˚ F         Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50˚ F         Miami residents turn on the heat
45˚ F         Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40˚ F         You can see your breath; Californians shiver uncontrollably; Minnesotans go swimming
35˚ F         Italian cars don't start
32˚ F         Water freezes
30˚ F         You plan your vacation to Australia
25˚ F         Ohio water freezes; Californians weep pitiably; Minnesotans eat ice cream; Canadians go swimming.
20˚ F         Politicians begin to talk about the homeless; New York City water freezes; Miami residents plan vacation further South.
15˚ F         French cars don't start; Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10˚ F         You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5˚ F          American cars don't start.
0˚ F          Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10˚ F       German cars don't start; Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15˚ F       You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo; Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects; Miami residents cease to exist.
-20˚ F        Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you; politicians actually do something about homeless; Minnesotans shovel snow off roof; Japanese cars don't start.
-25˚ F        Too cold to think; You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30˚ F        You plan a two week hot bath; Swedish cars don't start.
-40˚ F        Californians disappear; Minnesotans button top button; Canadians put on sweaters; Your car helps you plan your trip South.
-50˚ F        Congressional hot air freezes; Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80˚ F        Hell freezes over; Polar bears move south; Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90˚ F        Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

The End of the Raven (by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat)

This week’s theme:

No More Grouchy Old Farts!!

______________________

On a night quite unenchanting,
when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting
of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven,
in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a Raven
perched above the chamber door.
"Raven's very tasty," thought I, as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
"There is nothing I like more"

Soft upon the rug I treaded,
calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered,
I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered,
as I crossed the corridor;
For his house is crammed with trinkets, curious and wierd decor -
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.

Still the Raven never fluttered,
standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered,
his two cents' worth - "Nevermore."

While this dirge the birdbrain kept up,
oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly leapt up,
pouncing on the feathered bore.
Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore -
Only this and not much more.

"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out,
"Pussycat, it's time I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout
talking to a bird before;
How I've wallowed in self-pity,
while my gallant, valiant kitty
Put and end to that damned ditty" -
then I heard him start to snore.
Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.

- Author unknown (but brilliant)

How do they DO that???

This week’s theme:

No More Grouchy Old Farts!!

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Time for a symphonic smile

This week’s theme:

No More Grouchy Old Farts!!

______________________

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's ninth under the baton of Milton Katims...

At this point, you must understand two things:

(1) There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

(2) There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.

Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.

Katims was furious! And why not? After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

  _________________________

My apologies to those of you who aren't baseball fans... I suppose it's an inside joke.
 

What's UP?

This week’s theme:

No More Grouchy Old Farts!!

______________________

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now ........ my time is UP !


Oh....one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U
P !

Did that one crack you UP?


Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book..or not...it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut UP.

Even cats need exercise!

This week’s theme:

No More Grouchy Old Farts!!

______________________

The most exercise our cats get is when they travel from the sofa to the food dish. THESE cats, on the other hand, take fitness seriously!

Making misery more manageable

Yuu

Isn't it amazing how sometimes when we hear of a plane crash with 100 or so people perishing, our minds can't absorb the tragedy? Yet when 33 men are being rescued from thousands of feet below the earth, we are glued to the media coverage and find our eyes welling up with tears as we see them reunited with their family.

Just so, when we look at the world's misery caused by poverty and hunger and war, we can become overwhelmed. But look a bit closer to home... look at just a few individuals... and often we can find ways to improve the lot of at least that little portion of the world... one



person at a time.

Mother Teresa said it best:

If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.

Politicians: the same down under and up over.

This week’s theme:

No More Grouchy Old Farts!!

______________________

Having no arms is no excuse for this mom.

This week I promised to share something funny each day - and I will. (I don't want us to become grouchy old farts!. But this afternoon I'm also sharing something to inspire you... the story of a beautiful young woman with no arms, a beautiful young woman who cares for her child despite what might seem to be an insurmountable challenge.



If you or someone you love is thinking that the responsibility of a raising a child is just too much, remember this woman... and choose life.

Actual label instructions on consumer products

This week’s theme:

No More Grouchy Old Farts!!

______________________

On a pair of bicycle shin guards:

SHIN PADS CANNOT PROTECT ANY PART OF THE BODY THEY DO NOT COVER

On a label on a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan :

RECYCLED FLUSH WATER UNSAFE FOR DRINKING

(EEEOOOWWW.)

The label on an electric wood router cautions:

THIS PRODUCT NOT INTENDED FOR USE AS A DENTAL DRILL

On a blanket from Taiwan -

NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -

REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU

On a Taiwanese shampoo -

USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink -

AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT

In a US guide to setting up a new computer -

TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING

(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles-

OPEN OTHER END

On a Sears hairdryer -

DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING

On a bag of Fritos -

YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE

On a bar of Dial soap -

DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -

DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -

PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING

On a Korean kitchen knife -

WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -

FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY

On a Japanese food processor -

NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE

On Sainsbury's peanuts -

WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -

INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS

On a Swedish chainsaw -

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS

On a child's superman costume -

WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY

On some frozen dinners -

SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box -

FITS ONE HEAD

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -

DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY

(Excellent advice.)

Excuses for Students’ Absences. . . Written by their Parents

This week’s theme:

No More Grouchy Old Farts!!

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Chris had a acre in his side.
Chucky was hit yesterday playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Lillie has been absent from school because she had a gang over.
Mary could not go to school because she was bother by very close veins.

Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
My daughter couldn’t come to school Monday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with some Marines.
My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.

Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Please excuse Joey on Friday. He had loose vowels.
Please excuse John for being absent January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.
Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse Joyce from gym today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him and didn't find him until I started making beds.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree yesterday and misplaced his hip.
Please excuse Sandra from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Please excuse Sarah from being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sour trout.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
Wayne was out yesterday because he had the fuel.

Are you becoming a grouchy old fart?

According to this Reuter’s article, a poll of 2000 Britons demonstrated that those over 50 years of age are grouchier than those who are younger. They laugh less and complain more.

I’m not quite sure how they came up with these numbers, but according to the article, infants laugh as many as 300 times a day, those over 60 only laugh about 2 ½ times a day, and men laugh less than women.

Grim statistics indeed.

You’ve probably heard the expression “terrible twos”. Perhaps we’ve uncovered another phenomenon, that of the “sulky sixties”?

Several weeks ago, I posted this meme. In it, I challenged 8 fellow bloggers to share something really funny. Only one person came up with a submission, and I suspect that this person (a grandmother) is one of the few on the list who’s getting near that grumpy age. But I’m wondering if this experience somewhat confirms the findings of the poll in the Reuters article?

The Reuters article theorized that part of the reason for this sad trend is that the older set lacks joke-telling skills. According to the poll, the average Briton only knows two jokes.

I’m pretty sure I laugh significantly more than 2 ½ times a day, but I don’t have long to go before I hit the sulky sixties. I’m going to make a point of exercising my smile muscles this week so they don’t atrophy over the next couple of years.

So each day this week, I’m going to share something funny. And I invite you to share something funny by way of a comment. Maybe by the end of the week, we’ll “up” our daily laugh average just a bit.

Whacky words

The verses below were devised to help multinational NATO personnel learn how to pronounce a variety of same-spelling-different-speaking words. After trying them, one Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud.

This poem has been attributed to the English poet, George Bernard Shaw, and some of the words actually rhyme better when pronounced using "the Queen's English".


Enjoy!

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ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF

Dearest creature in creation,

Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

Some GOOD news for a change!

 

 

A tunnel has finally been dug to the site where 33 miners have been trapped in an underground tomb 2000 feet below the earth's surface for the past 66 days. The rescue isn't complete; there are still decisions to be made as to the safest method of extracting the men from their subterranean prison. But it is indeed an important step in the right direction.

I can't imagine what these men and their families have been through. Let's keep them all in our prayers that they may be safely reunited.

You've probably heard...

...about the North Carolina public school student who has been suspended from school for the past four weeks for wearing a nose piercing. The school claims that her pierced nose violates the dress code. She and her mother claim that they belong to the Church of Body Modification and that the school is violating her religious freedom; according to her mother, "I explained to the principal and various school officials how my daughter’s nose stud is essential to the expression of our family’s religious values.” And of course the ACLU has jumped on the bandwagon; they're suing the school. ACLU attorneys have written “This is a case about a family’s right to send a 14-year-old honor student to public school without her being forced to renounce her family’s religious beliefs.”

You're so right, Charlie Brown.

Good grief.

According to their web site, the Church of Body Modification "represents a collection of members practicing ancient and modern body modification rites. We believe these rites are essential to our spirituality. Practicing body modification and engaging in body manipulation rituals strengthen the bond between mind, body, and soul. By doing so, we ensure that we live as spiritually complete and healthy individuals." Their statement of faith is summed up in these words:

As followers of this faith, it is our purpose to educate and inspire, to share ideas, and to help each other achieve our dreams. We strive to unify and strengthen our mind, body, and soul so we can overcome any challenges we may encounter. We assert and protect our rights to modify our bodies and to practice our rituals.

We believe our bodies belong only to ourselves and are a whole and integrated entity: mind, body, and soul. We maintain we have the right to alter them for spiritual and other reasons.

Affirmation of our living, breathing, physical beings is paramount to our self-identities and helps us define who we are. The Church of Body Modification promotes affirmation and growth of a more expansive perspective of our physical and spiritual being.

With apologies to the Church of Body Modification, I haven't noticed that the bond between my mind, body, and soul are particularly loose, and I fail to see how tattooing, piercing, cutting, or what-evering my body would help me overcome the challenges I encounter.

With apologies to the school, you may have a hard time arguing in court that pierced ears are OK but pierced noses are not.

With apologies to the ACLU, don't you have enough to keep yourselves occupied? Aren't there more vital civil liberties being threatened somewhere in this nation?

LATE BREAKING NEWS - a federal court has ordered the school to allow this student to return. Three cheers for democracy, huh?

Which comes first, the chicken or the egg?

I dropped in on the late side of an interview with authors of a soon-to-be-published book. I didn’t catch the name of the book or of its authors, but they brought up something that I found interesting. They said that many people – especially young people – develop political viewpoints, then seek a religion that will match their position.

According to the interview I listened to, the phenomenon of searching for a church that matches our politics is largely responsible for the declining number of church-goers (again, particularly among young people). According to the authors, these young people – most often liberal rather than conservative at that point in their lives – see most religious denominations as being quite conservative. And because conservatism is the polar opposite of their politics, they turn away from any form of organized religion.

This is rather thought-provoking, don’t you think? Do we develop a stand on political issues that aligns with our religious convictions? Or is our faith the starting point from which our political views are developed?

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What's our mission?

It's a temptation sometime to want to do something grand. To grab a child off the railroad tracks at the last moment, thus saving a life... or to negotiate a long-lasting peace in the Middle East... or to find a clean, cheap source of energy that will thereby save the environment...

Something that will make those around us - and perhaps God - sit up and take notice. Something that will remove all doubt about our value and worth.

It's a temptation, but it is flawed. It's not possible for the most of us to achieve such heights, and it's not required. From God's perspective, it's not even desired.

The majority of us aren't charged with the task of curing cancer or eliminating world hunger or finding a way to travel to distant galaxies. Our mission lies closer to home and isn't nearly that grand, but it's just as important in its own way. It doesn't have an impact that will change the entire world, but it can make the world right around us just a little bit better. For most of us, that's what God asks of us, and that's all God asks of us. Nothing monumental at all. We don't have to do something glorious to glorify God.

Saint Therese of Lisieux had something to say that should be an encouragement to anyone trying to live a life pleasing to God:

You know that our Lord does not look at the greatness or the difficulty of an action but at the love with which you do it. What then have you to fear?

Gianna Jessen speaks of defying the odds: she survived abortion.

I've shared some of Gianna Jessen's story before (see here), but spend a few minutes listening to her share her perspective as a survivor of abortion. Her biological mother underwent a saline abortion when she was 7 1/2 months pregnant. But Gianna didn't didn't die: instead, she lived, and in these videos, she shares a bit of her story.

Please listen to this two-part series:

...and on to part 2

Lessons learned from marriage

I found a blog post here that got me thinking a bit. The author listed three things that she'd learned through her marriage:

1. Just as in faith, there is no "once saved, always saved" in marriage. When you married, you may have (and should have) intended with every fiber that only death would end it. That intention is not enough to protect your marriage against the dangers it will face. For the rest of your lives, you must be vigilant to risks to your marriage, from taking your spouse for granted to "friendships" with the potential to end in adultery. You think it can't happen? The truth is that you will not be immune to temptation no matter how firm your will.

2. Your current union with your spouse is a reflection of your future union with God. This is why marriage is a sacrament. While this idea can be learned from studying the Catechism, you can really understand it only by experiencing it. And the experience of participating in a marriage will add another, profound level to your relationship with God.

3. True love is not a feeling, but an act of the will. You cannot depend on feelings of love to fuel your marriage. Sometimes, your spouse will make it very difficult to feel those warm emotions. And sometimes you will make it equally difficult for your spouse to feel warm things about you. These times do not mean you are falling out of love. Love requires a conscious decision—one you must make over and over again. If you choose to love, the feelings will return.

I'm mulling it over to come up with my own list, but invite you to think about it along with me.  What has your marriage taught you?

Taylor's Gift

Taylor Storch and her family were on their last day of a skiing vacation in Colorado when 13-year-old Taylor fell backward, striking her head on a tree. She was transported to the hospital and, the following day, the Storch family was informed that Taylor was brain dead. Her parents, Todd and Taylor, were asked if they would donate Taylor’s organs, and the grieving family agreed. As Taylor’s dad, Todd, said “Taylor was a giving, wonderful person, and I looked at Tara, and we knew exactly that’s what Taylor would do. She was so giving, and that choice was very, very easy.”

Taylor lost her life, but through organ donation, her heart saved the life of Patricia Winters, an Arizona mother of two suffering from cardiomyopathy. Patricia’s heart was giving out, sapping her strength, and making it all but impossible for her to be the mom she wanted to be.

Through a combination of coincidence and persistence, Taylor’s parents and the recipient of her heart found each other and agreed to meet. When they did – 6 months after the accident – Tara Storch listened and heard her daughter’s heart beating once again.

The Storches didn’t stop giving after agreeing to donate Taylor’s organs. They learned that 90% of Americans say they’d like to donate their organs after they die, but only 30% know how to go about it. So they established a website - Taylor’s Gift - to provide resources for people to learn what to do. To quote Taylor’s dad, Todd, “Most people want to become donors and they’re not sure how to, and we’re trying to make that very, very easy for them, with one place to do that. All the states are listed. We want to have one simple place to make it easy for everyone to become an organ donor.”

Thank you, Taylor Storch, for the gift of life.

As a nurse, I’ve seen the difference organ donation can make for the patients I’ve cared for. But on a more personal level, I saw the difference it made for my father’s wife, who lived for 13 years after being the recipient of lungs from an 18-year-old man whose family agreed to allow his organs to be donated. We never learned the identity of this young man or of his family, but we remain grateful for those precious years.

If you’ve decided to be an organ donor, thank you.

If you’d like to but aren’t sure to go about it, please visit Taylor’s Gift to learn more about it.

And if you’re still undecided, contemplate for a moment the difference that was made in the lives of those who received her eyes, kidneys, liver, heart, pancreas, and lungs.

Prayer for the day

You may have heard of Father Mychal Judge, a priest who was serving the New York Fire Department when the unthinkable happened and two planes struck the Twin Towers. He was some distance away when the tragedy occurred, and rushed to the site. There he met Mayor Guiliani, who asked him to pray for the victims and for the city. Father Judge comforted and prayed for victims on the street, and then "entered the lion's den"... the lobby of the North Tower. There he continued to minister to the injured and the dying until he, too, was killed when struck by falling debris.

This is a prayer which Father Judge had written. He lived these words. May we do so as well.

Lord, take me where you want me to go;
Let me meet who you want me to meet;
Tell me what you want me to say; and
Keep me out of your way.

- Fr. Mychal Judge, FDNY (died 9/11/01)

Dieting Under Stress... (A smile for your Saturday)

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stresses that build up during the day.

Breakfast
Half a grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast, dry
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch
4 oz. lean broiled chicken
1 C. steamed spinach
1 C. herbal tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Rest of Oreos in package
2 pts. Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
Nuts, cherries, whipped cream

Dinner
2 loaves garlic bread
1 large deluxe pizza
4 cans of beer
3 Milky Way bars


Late Evening Snack
Entire frozen cheesecake, taken directly from freezer.
Rest of Rocky Road ice cream



RULES FOR THIS DIET:

• If you eat something and no one sees you, it has no calories.
• If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
• When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.
• Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
• If you fatten up everyone else around you, you will look thinner.
• Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package. Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls are all in this category.
• Things licked off knives, forks, and spoons have no calories. Examples are ice cream, cake icings, cheesecake, and anything chocolate.
• Brown-colored foods are fat-, calorie-, and cholesterol-free. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
• Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
• If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. e.g. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon.