Perhaps you've heard that Al & Tipper Gore have separated after 40 years together. Not to single them out... there are a host of marriages - in and out of the public eye - that are ending in divorce or separation .In fact, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, 43% of U.S. marriages end in divorce.
That's a rather disturbing statistic, any way you look at it.
As I ruminate on statistics such as this, I puzzle over a phrase I've heard more and more over the past several years: The marriage is over.
The marriage is over.
I wonder what, precisely, that means to the people using that expression? Does it mean that the honeymoon is over... that the feeling of being in love has changed to something less sparkly and new? Does it mean that people have developed different interests which, perhaps, aren't shared by their spouse? Does it mean that sexual attraction no longer exists? Does it mean the couple has simply grown tired of each other... or of the effort it takes to sustain a relationship?
Just for kicks, I entered "preventing divorce" in my search engine. Quite a few of the hits I got were businesses offering iron-clad guarantees that they had found the secret to preventing divorce. So there must be a market for this service.
But I wanted to ask my readers to offer their tips or suggestions about how to prevent divorce... how to keep the marriage from being "over", or what to do to rescue it when this happens.
Won't you please share your ideas?
I'm sure a lot of people think love is an emotion over which they have no control. When we are young (and even when we are older!) it certainly often feels that way. Very few people outside Christianity think of love as a conscious action which we can choose to do or not do.
ReplyDeleteIf we have no control over who or when we love, then Jesus' instruction to us to love each other, and indeed the marriage vow "I promise to love" become quite meaningless.
I remember John Lennon's statement after his marriage break-up: "I love Yoko. I don't love Cynthia." As though this was something completely outside his control.
It's true that we may not have much in the way of control over our sexual and emotional attractions, but these are not love. These feelings are very very difficult to fight (been there- done that!), and delude us into thinking they are not only more powerful than we are, but also that they are RIGHT and justify everything, even breaking up a home and causing all manner of upset and difficulties to others, especially to our children. This is the time when we can only hold on to what is true, and remember that true love requires sacrifice and involves our own suffering. It's hard, too hard for so many, in a culture that says "Do want you want, follow your feelings".
No doubt we can say that Jesus is the key to every relationship. Relationships are difficult. They have to be worked on, nourished and cared for. We are generally lazy, always looking for an easier way, so we tend to jump all over the place instead of work at what we have. Also, getting over ourselves is key along with a good sense of humor.
ReplyDeleteopen and clear communication. A willingness to forgive and to LET IT GO. and through it all to lean on God hard.
ReplyDeleteLaughter. If you can laugh together, and not take your differences to seriously, you can get through almost anything. Of course, to laugh together, you also have to spend time together. So maybe that's it. Time.
ReplyDeleteA father of one of the children in Hamish's class a few years ago rang him with a story. His son had come home a bit concerned - one of his classmate's parents were divorcing. His wife had told him that their son had asked her, "Will you and Dad ever divorce?" She had answered along the lines of, "No-one knows what the future holds." He told her to go right back and let their son know that they will NEVER divorce, end of story. She did, and we noticed at school his 'naughtiness' at school subsided.
ReplyDelete(In the meantime, the wee sunny girl who saw fairies on her desk, popular cause she was such a joy, turned sharp, manipulative, was the centre of many disagreements among the girls...)