I’ve tried something different this week (Monday through Friday) and posted about a single theme: marriage. I’d appreciate hearing your insights along the way. If you’ve picking up the thread of the posts today, you may want to scroll down and start with the one titled “Kids talk about love and marriage”.
The picture accompanying yesterday’s post still bugs me a bit. It bugs me because I imagine the bitterness, anger, disappointment, and shame that (in my opinion) must lie behind it. It bothers me because I take my marriage vows seriously (as does my husband), and infidelity doesn’t seem to “fit” in that framework. It disturbs me because it suggests that each individual in a marriage can be vulnerable to infidelity. Vulnerable to being hurt by the infidelity of one’s spouse, and vulnerable because both husband and wife may be lured by the temptation to be unfaithful.
Although men may play the starring role as the unfaithful spouse, a recent study belies that image. Data from this study suggests that approximately 20% of men cheat, while a bit over 15% of women do so. The author of the study, Dr. David Holmes, says, “The biggest difference is that women are much better at keeping their affairs secret. If you look at the studies into paternity, even conservative figures show that between eight and 15 per cent of children haven't been fathered by the man who thinks he's the biological parent.”
(See this Daily Mail article .)
What leads to infidelity? According to Greg Popcak, author of “For Better Forever: A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage”, “The root of the problem is that the person cheating is terrible at dealing with conflict in interpersonal relationships and knowing how to get their needs met, so they don’t say things that need to be said. Over time, they become resentful of their spouse because they’re not happy. They become depressed. Then they bump into somebody who makes them smile, who it feels good to be around.”
What about our marriage... and yours? Do we make our spouses smile? Does my life's mate feel good to be around me?
I ran into a phrase that struck me funny the other day: "Don't let anyone come between your marriage." The wording was awkward to me because the word "marriage" refers to the union between two people... not to the two individuals who are married. No one can "come between your marriage", just as no one can "come between your body". This line of thinking led me straight to Mark 10:5-8, where Jesus responded to questions about the legality of divorce:
"It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law," Jesus replied. "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
Spend a bit of time really thinking about what it means to be "one flesh" and "no longer one but two", and ask yourself, "Do I do everything in my power to maintain that unity?" That question isn't as simple as it sounds. It's actually a lot to think about.
I’ve poked around and found a couple of resources to help those who may be seeking to strengthen their marriage, and list them here:
- ”Exploring the roots of marital infidelity”, OSV 9/20/09.)
- Focus on the Family’s resources Relationships and Marriage
- For Your Marriage
- Retrouvaille
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Don’t forget to enter the latest photo caption contest, found here.
Don’t forget to enter the latest photo caption contest, found here.
Thanks for this series Sue. Marriage is hard. It takes a daily commitment to another person. Two imperfect people can't do it alone. We need a third to hold it all together. That third is God. Without him, marriage just doesn't have the necessary glue to keep it strong.
ReplyDeleteDon't let the picture bother you. The story is entirely untrue. Didn't happen. Not to say that people who experience infidelity are not bitter, angry, disappointed... all the things you said. But that is true BEFORE the infidelity as well as after.
ReplyDeleteStart at the beginning: how often are we unfaithful to God? And how easily to "little sins" lead to "bigger sins" if we don't repent and return to love. So, too, I think in marriage and other relationships. Yes, we ARE all vulnerable to infidelity. So, we must first ground all our relationships in prayer and second tend to them carefully so that little slips, little infidelities (unloving-ness, unkind words, anger, uncharity, etc.) do not become bigger infidelities (slandering a spouse or other person, avoiding someone, or in the end, entering into another relationship that violates the convenant of trust).
Dear Sue
ReplyDeleteThis is a great series on marriage, so thank you.
I agree with what you say --- the need for constant attention and renewal, the worth perserverance.
Could I ask about the last verse from Mark: "Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."?
Is it always the case that a marriage is God joining people together? Are not some marriages entered into for the wrong reasons (e.g., someone marries to get their hands on the other's money)?
Conversely, isn't it possible that God separates two people? Everything happens with God's will, so if people separate, God willed it, but I don't mean to go that deep. If God can bring people together, surely He can part them too.
(disclaimer: none of this is about my marriage!)