Serial marriage?

I’m going to try something different this week (Monday through Friday) and post about a single theme: marriage. I’d appreciate hearing your insights along the way. If you’re picking up the thread of the posts today, you may want to scroll down and start with the post titled “Kids talk about love and marriage”.

I ran into an interesting perspective on marriage

Marriages Within Marriage

Many developmental models include such stages of marriage as: honeymoon, the career establishment period, the child-rearing period, the empty nest when the children are gone, and the retirement marriage. An interesting approach to these seasons of marriage is taken by Christian author and marital therapist David Augsburger (1988) who recognizes that, regardless of whether couples parent children, the marriage relationship has a life of its own which changes over time. He believes that those who live in a marriage over several decades are likely to experience the equivalent of at least four different "marriages" between them as partners within their own marriage. "Marriage is not a single style of relating, committing, trusting, negotiating, conflicting, and growing. When there is growth... there will be multiple marriages, serial marriages, a series of marriages that unfold as the persons grow".

Marriage One: Dream. "I love you, I must be with you. I'll never leave you. You'll always be first. We are in love." Feelings of hurt, fear, or frustration are cautiously shared or concealed. Differences are tolerated or overlooked. Conflict is avoided, since it is damaging to the dream. Intimacy is fueled by the fires of romance.

Marriage Two: Disillusionment. "I still like you, but I can't go on without change. I need space. I need respect. I need to be me as well as 'we.' We are in struggle." The dream begins to evaporate, manipulation occurs as a way to get what we want. We risk sharing feelings, but find them threatening, often uncontrolled, confused and confusing. we demand change of the objectional differences in the partner. Conflict erupts form frustrated feelings. There is fighting, bargaining, pressuring. Intimacy is intense at times, but absent when there is tension.

Marriage Three: Discovery. "I find you surprising. What I liked at the first I came to resent in you. Now I wouldn't change it at all. We are learning to love." True communication is invitation and work toward equality. We own our feelings and express them with candor. We discover that our differences are creative, necessary parts of each of us and of our marriage. We find more creative ways of resolving conflict, seeking mutually satisfying solutions more quickly.

Marriage Four: Depth. "When I'm with you, I feel at home, complete. When we're apart I am at peace, secure. We are loved." There is more genuine mutuality and equality in our communication. We flow with both our thoughts and feelings. We delight in our differences and develop them in each other. We accept conflict as a healthy process and utilize it to work for mutual growth. (Augsburger, 1988, pp. 10-12, 24, 25).

While couples and circumstances differ, research and clinical observation shows these "marriages within a marriage" last about a decade with transition periods between them.

Failure to negotiate the passage between 'the marriages within a marriage' makes divorce more likely and complicates immensely the normal patterns of growth. It is the treacherous passage into and out of the second marriage which sinks many basically good relationships that might have matured and become deeply satisfying and fulfilling alliances. (Augsburger, 1988, p. 13).

There's lots to think about there, don't you think?

If you're interested in reading more of the article this excerpt comes from, go here. And
Augsburger's book, published in 1988 by Regal Books, is Sustaining love: healing and growth in the passages of marriage.